Diary

Oct. 17th, 2025

I know this is private but. I'm pretending to be writing something on my laptop because this course pmo. I'm in a history degree. Why tf do I have a mandatory writing course which is fucking useless??? Useless cause I already know how to speak french perfectly fine. I've written stories, text studies and shit. I got a 80% grade on my French finals. Who do you think you're fooling? I'm not pretending to be above everyone. I'm saying I'm faaaaaar from being the only one who's bored as hell. I've even heard some other students in my class say they wanted to hang themselves everytime they had to go to this course. lmfao. I want to be an archeologist, not a goddamn Shakespeare. No one fucking cares about this class and I can feel it. Well, maybe not EVERYONE but a majority of us. That's for sure.

Oct. 14th, 2025

I am terribly tired and I FEEL IT ROUGH.

I woke up at like, 7 AM? Which is stupidly early cause my classes only begin at 10.30. My autistic ass can get exhausted over the tiniest thing so it wouldn't be surprising if I got grumpy in minutes. It's 2 PM, I'm almost done with a class, I hate it here, I'm bored, the teacher is talking about exams which are in 2 months, I still DON'T KNOW how it's gonna work, I'm now ANXIOUS and I despise that I'm genuinely scared because it's only my first year in college, still haven't made any friends, sometimes struggle to keep on with some classes, can't catch them up because I HAVE NO FRIENDS IN COLLEGE who could help me. Send help please

And some guy I don't know who's apparently in my class group literally came up to talk to me. HE TOUCHED ME ON THE SHOULDER TO INTERACT. Once again I'M AUTISTIC and I hate physical contact with most people. Allat to ask me if I was friends with a girl we both know, then told me that he found me cool (well that's at least nice to hear) but out of NOWHERE asked if we could hang out. I DO NOT KNOW YOU!!!! AITA? I don't know but that was super awkward. Never again. But dude, I'm sure you're not a bad person but you can't ask someone you DON'T KNOW to hang out. That just doesn't work this way. AITA for not wanting to interact with this guy ever again? I hope I'm not because I REALLY don't want to. Really, and even if I'm complaining about being alone, I'm not gonna force myself to keep up with someone I don't wanna be friends with.

2.43 PM Update : I'm going through an existential crisis and I want to bawl my eyes out, I'M ALL. ALONE. So many people have friends, and I can't even TRY TO TALK TO ANYONE. I hate myself for this. What, do I look scary? Lame? Unfriendly? Idk what to do for someone to try and talk with me. Here's the thing. Talk WITH me. Not talk TO me. I want a real conversation. Chatting about interests. No, I'm not gonna go grab a random person and say "Yo, give me your notes please, oh and can we be friends?" IT DOESN'T WORK THIS WAY GODDAMNIT. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't want to change myself to please people. I've already done that in middle and high school. I want people to see me as who I truly am. Not just a copy of an ideal they want to see. I'm tired of having to fit in so you can be perceived as appealing to society. What happened to being unique, original, funky, outstanding? I want to be loved for who I am, not who I'd pretend to be. I left this behind long ago. I'm already tired by masking, I don't want to worsen it with that. Hell no. I'm overthinking again, and I can't even focus on the lecture. My legs are SHAKING wtf. Idk if it's anxiety or the side effects of the Dr Pepper I drank??? Whatever, it's gonna feel numb if it keeps trembling like that